Reflection
by Chrysanthemum's Gift
Summary: InuYasha's reflection on his group of traveling companions up until Miroku joins them and they go to the Demon exterminators' village. Yeah. R&R please!


Chrysanthemum's Gift does not own any of the rights to any of the characters used in this story.

Reflection

~*~

Sometimes, I wonder what makes me go, continue to exist. I want to run, run, run away, away from it all. But I can't. Something always holds me back. Something or someone, and there's nothing I can do about it. I want to yell, scream at them to leave me alone, to stop caring! Why do they always care! Care, care, care, that's all they talk about. How much they care about me. But I don't want them to care! They can't care, because I don't care for them! Don't they get that? But they look at me and say to stop kidding myself; I care and I know it! Don't they know that the only reason I stay with them is because of my own selfish reasons? I don't do it for them! Never for them! Always for me, forever for me!

I always looked out for me, and just for me. And when there was no one to look out for but me, I got on fine. But then she came. That witch, that beautiful, treacherous witch. And suddenly I didn't just look out for me and me alone. She became first. And what did that leave me with? Who looked out for me first? She said she did, but if that was so, how did we end up in this mess? How were we so easily tricked? I swore, then, to never look out for anyone but me.

For years I was trapped, helpless against my defense. During that time, I reformed my priorities. I was first and that was final. I had learned. Putting someone before myself only led to my destruction, as I had learned the hard way. And I cursed her for doing this to me, making me change everything. But never would that happen to me! Nevermore would I let myself be changed!

And then, when I had almost given up hope that I would be granted the chance to only care for myself again, she came and freed me. So much like the one who trapped me, yet so different as well. And I feared that I would fall under her spell, that I'd put her first, and end up betrayed and alone again. I refused to acknowledge, even speak her name. But…I couldn't help but like her, and want to protect her. And it wasn't just for me, and correcting her stupid mistake. A mistake that may yet cost me my ultimate desire. I genuinely…like her. How silly.

It didn't stop there either. That little tyke, who couldn't hold his own against the flea, let alone someone as strong as myself, he appeared. And he wouldn't leave. Such a burden upon my existence. At first, I wished him gone; he only held us back. Put his innocent childish antics…they were sweet and endearing and I found myself actually accepting him. He didn't contribute much to our quest, unless his ability to brighten her face counts.

But they weren't enough, were they? Next he came, yet another person, trying to join my little group that I never wanted, that I vowed I'd never have. It's her fault really, for letting that lecherous, cunning man join us. Put he could hold his own in a battle, even against me. And he was-and still is- full of knowledge. He was the one who told me. She never betrayed me. We had been deceitfully tricked. Tricked…if she hadn't gotten under my skin, I'd never have been tricked. I don't like people making a fool of me, and he made more than a fool of me. I wouldn't allow it again. Deceive me once, shame on you. Deceive me twice, shame…on…me.

We-four of us now!- had a new task-find the evil trickster and destroy him. Finally, something for me to concentrate on besides protecting my other…companions? No, not companions. I don't have companions. But if they aren't that, then what? Fellow…travelers? But they're more than that. I bathe with them, eat with them, plan with them…even laugh with them. They're my…pack. And I must defend them, whether I want to or not. But this new task would let me do something besides protect, protect, protect.

Or so I thought, for the cunning one works in dark, cowardly ways, sending my own brother and his hatred for me, to slay me and the others. I fought, willing to die for them, my companion-travelers, and almost would have. But then she showed her true worth, proving she didn't need me to always look out for her. Good, I could concentrate on myself instead. But if that were so, why do I feel like I'm not needed anymore?

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I do care! Care about them, and their dependency on me. I like them turning to me and expecting me to fight for them and their lives, defend them to the death. I like fighting tooth and nail, knowing I have a purpose-the survival of my pack. And I do like them saying that they care, care, care. That they want me to stay, because they like me, value me as their companion. So maybe I am stupid, and should listen to them more. But don't tell them that I said that. I do have a reputation to uphold.

~*~*~

"InuYasha? You coming?" a voice from down below shouted up into the trees. Looking down, the hanyou smiled. 

"Be right there Kagome!" Closing his journal-it's a journal, not a diary, and don't ever suggest otherwise if you like your face the way it is- and tucking it into his fire rat coat, the dog demon fell out of the tree and landed on the ground with grace born from practice. With a flourished mock bow, InuYasha grinned up at the human girl. "Where to now, oh esteemed Jewel Seekers?" 

Kagome rolled her eyes at the sarcastic tone of her companion and hopped onto her bike. She pedaled for a moment, with the half demon easily keeping pace, before answering. "Miroku says that the demon slayers down is just up ahead and that we should make it by nightfall. I felt the presence of a shard where Miroku estimates the village is, and Shippo confirmed that this is all true."

InuYasha nodded politely in understanding. "Did you just find this out?"

Kagome smiled. "We knew at lunchtime. We were merely waiting for you."

InuYasha glowed inside at these words. _They do care. They need me, they'll always need me. My…pack, my companion-travelers. And I care for them too. Nothing will ever change that._

As the hanyou and the girl met up with the houshi and the little fox child, the word for what they were hit InuYasha like a small lightning bolt.

__

Family. They're my family. InuYasha repeated that word over in his head, each time liking the word more and more. _Family._

__

~*~


End file.
